where was this kid when i needed him?

a week before the 5th grade talent show… cut to me crying in my room as i realized i could not do an amazing duo performance the way i envisioned it in my head because the girls i “auditioned” were all talentless stepford-wives-in-training. i had to dumb it down and do a flavorless dance routine to “new york, new york” with a girl named Amy. yeah, people loved it, and the costumes i designed were super cute, but it just wasn’t as fabulous as the routine i had worked out in my head. if i would have had THIS little ray of sunshine in my class, i am SURE the finale to our routine would have been a unicorn farting glitter all over the audience while they stood and clapped and cried over the massive talent they had just witnessed.

fuck you amy.

i hope hell isn’t as bad as it’s rumored to be….

i literally sat in front of my computer for a full 3 minutes with my mouth open, in silence, after watching this for the first time.

can’t. breathe. laughing too hard.

reason #48 why you shouldn’t wear a BIKINI if you are the drunk big girl at the beach. You should probably also stay away from the water if you’ve been drinking 22oz Coronas since 6am. This shit is hilarious…. it just doesn’t end!!

(via dlisted.com)

what’s wrong with lilo?

nobody puts baby in the corner… unless she has a spray can

via TheArabParrot

if you love somebody, let them go. if they return, they were always yours…

word.

good. long. numb.

small human badasses.

these kids are too much. that horrible sound you hear off in the distance? oh. just ignore it. it’s just our ovaries screaming over here. we are now accepting applications for dudes that are ready to pump out a cute, well-dressed, kick-flipping army of small human badasses.

let it ride.

<

adorable olsens… lowkey racists.

eargasm provided by The Weeknd.

can not get enough of this. the whole album is amazing.

ummmm….. huh?

“i’m not insensitive, i just don’t care.”

“nice pose rasta…”

9:01pm- watch video friend sent. laugh hysterically at the creepy hilariousness.

9:12pm- still giggling at the rasta rooster. feel slightly haunted by video.

9:13pm- guilt sets in about giggle fit.

9:14pm- sit child down for a talk about the danger of yoga instructors.

the healer.

Told you we aint dead yet
we been livin’ through your internet
you don’t have to believe everything you think
we’ve been programmed wake up, we miss you.

so here we are…

I caught a glimpse, but its been forgotten
So here we are again
I made a vow, to carry you home… home

I really tried to do what you wanted
It all went wrong again

I made a vow, to carry you home
If you fall sick, if you pass out

I figured it out, I can see again

but you can’t use my phone.

every time i hear this song, my inner 65 year old black southern woman at a baptist church comes out and i sit there the whole time shouting out shit like “AMEN GURL” …. “MMMMMHHMMMM… TELL him!” and “CHHUCHH”

badu be speaking the TRUTH on THIS RIGHT HERE!

this love is classic.

supermodels. they don’t make them like they used to….

huh? no dude. i do NOT wrap my sheet around me every time it comes out of the dryer and walk around the house blasting this song while pretending to be christie turlington. pffft. come ON! who the hell would do that shit?

ok. yeah. fine. most sundays at around 3pm it goes down.

whatever.

madonna. just because.

sometimes i wake up wondering what madonna’s doing right now. and then i remember that not only did she make millions while she SLEPT, she’s laying on a mattress made of $100 bills snuggled up naked next to some male model half her age. sorry charlie sheen, but THAT’S “winning”.

comes with the territory.

and by “territory” i mean hair.
creeps, love em.

a love letter to monday

darth sheen.

we are so up-to-here with this charlie sheen shit we are about to go postal on an old folks home as they all hold little baby kittens and sing love songs to us. yep. one more person says “winning” to us or talks about “tiger blood” we will literally sacrifice the lives of the old people in the aforementioned scenario…

but THIS is AWESOME!

thanks rob heppler

an ode to the y chromosome…

franco.

some dude. his friend could get it too.

obama.

classic newman.

sean lyles, we’re your biggest fans.

depp.

gosling.

jay electronica.

another year older, another year wiser…

yesterday was the Biebs birthday. happy birthday you little badass. some advice for the next year of your life: hang with tyler. skate til you break something. don’t let anyone fuck with you. get in one good fight for all the right reasons. be humble. fart, eat pizza and kick it with friends that make you laugh really fucking hard. be a boy. be a kid. this shit won’t last forever.

board.

i’m behind you…

my girl sent me this today with the subject “pharrell. shower scene.” let me just say, I think this is one of THE sexiest songs ever made… but a shower scene? Yeah. Pharrell can get away with it. there is a general rule that HE can get away with what ANY other male human can’t get away with. here’s a lil story:

it was a cold late summer night a few years ago, cminus said we were stopping by his friend’s studio to say hi… this “friend” ended up being Pharrell. The first words he said to me, while shaking my hand, were “cold hands. warm heart.” now any woman with a pulse knows your first reaction to something THAT cheesy would be to roll your eyes and walk away. but let me tell you something, when PHARRELL WILLIAMS has you in a dead lock stare with that half grin of his while saying these words, your legs wobble and you literally have two orgasms before the handshake is over. trust me on this.

needless to say, i was never allowed to be in the same room as pharrell again.

hence, my obsession.

get comfortable. enjoy the nakedness.

come on now, you’re trying to tell me you could resist THAT at the 4:15 mark? no. you couldn’t.

“i have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” -mother teresa

“it’s a little rapey…”

USE A FUCKING COASTER NEXT TIME BITCH.

pretty much.

a nightmare just ate up your dreams…

sooner or later, it all comes crashing down… ain’t that the truth. one day you wake up and realize the rug gets pulled out from under you because it is MEANT to be, you are not MEANT to be where you are, you are MEANT for a greater life, you are MEANT for more happiness. Let that shit crash. Destroy and rebuild.

for the record, pharrell really is perfect.

the end.

remember when….

she was so dope. this song has gone triple diamond in my house since she came out with it. still amazing.

come back lauryn.

and the whole world loves it when you don’t get down…

we would totally join his cult and drink his kool aid.

no. kool aid is NOT a metaphor for something else. settle down. he’s only 19. damn.

but if he said the aliens were coming to get us and we needed to throw on some black nikes, we’d do it.

“you do not have the right to quit trying. (the universe wobbles when you do.) you have the right to quit toxic people. (they’re contagious.)”

they say life is for the living, so lets live it girl….

“i care if i do something that’s special”

wow. just…. wow. she’s got it all figured out.

sometimes i sit and wonder what thom yorke is doing right now…

and it usually is EXACTLY this in my mind.

the new radiohead is the audible equivalent of your mom tucking you in to bed with some hot cocoa after you got beat up on the playground. aka- it’s amazing.

some girls watch chick flicks and cry when stressed…

we watch shit like this and read cookbooks…

richard head.

every time i have to spend time in silverlake (LA) or williamsburg (BK) i get this song stuck in my head for weeks.

“you want to be treated like a man? well… MAN UP THEN.”

SOMEONE must be feeding them….

…’cause there’s no lie like the lie that made us give up…

“my teeth aren’t friends, they don’t like that neighborhood”

let’s all say a little prayer for this girl’s future college roommate on the the night this chick discovers FourLoko, weed cookies and shrooms.